my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
