if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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