There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Send help, water and tortillas.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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