Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
