You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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