I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
