I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
well you can't waste a boner
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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