I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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