I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
