y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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