She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
