Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I look better un-naked...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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