Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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