her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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