every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
