Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You can't motorboat a personality
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
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