My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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