i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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