fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
