I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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