worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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