Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
