So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
