i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we're chasing vodka with high fives
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
