Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
