The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
