Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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