he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
