So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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