I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
