Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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