How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
