I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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