It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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