Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
