I accidentally had phone sex last night
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
