Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
