The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
