Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
