You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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