It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
