worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
