I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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