Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
