nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
too bad you live with your parents still
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
