When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
