Your face is a jimmy john
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
