He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
