Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
