you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
